Ever driven yourself so hard that part of your mind pulls away and your body just stops moving? The logical side says you must because, well, you’re supposed to (it’s program). Then this, minute and rarely heard from, side says, “I’m done. I’ve nothing left.” With energy drained and reason no longer mattering, you falter ever so slightly. It’s as if you’ve temporarily stepped out of a whirlwind. A peaceful drain settles over you and you’re hyper aware of how trivial the logical matters really are. Perhaps, the true matters, that are normally pushed to the side, need to be addressed. Of course in the end, the inevitable happens. The logical side reboots and its will prevails. The minute side retreats quietly. Still, just for that moment, the world stops.
Yeah, that wee epiphany came to me during a walk at the park. Long week at work-the kind where you sit in your car after you get home and stare blankly at the dashboard. I know that I am without a doubt OCD. My mind works constantly and latches onto a task to make certain it is accomplished thoroughly. I also seem to put way more into what/how I work than a few around me. Though in all honesty, I don’t think those few are capable of anything more than what they bring as is (so it’s probably not their fault). It can get a tad frustrating when you feel as if you do the work of two employees to their one (also not being able to rely on their assistance w/o fear of their usual mistakes). This little revelation actually hit me several times that evening. My husband kept looking at me strangely and asking me why I was stopping (along with the ever tiring, ‘are you o.k.?’). A few times he tugged me along because I just couldn’t bring my body to continue. Eh, I was done.
Pushing yourself is fine when it matters to you. Pushing yourself when you’ve really little choice in the matter and you dislike what you do, is the pits. I tend to believe that the latter takes more out of you. I take pride in everything I do. Yes, I’m that anal or perhaps I’m secretly a robot programmed that way. So, no matter if I hate a task or like it, it is accomplished with all that I am. For one, if I have to put my time to it then why half do it? Two, uh, I did it and it will be done to my best ability-it’s a pride thing. Three, if I’m to say I did it then I refuse to have someone look at it and think cheaply of me. Sadly, I’ve found not everyone believes as I do and it just confuses me. Perhaps, this is why I’m so exhausted all the time? It also doesn’t make friends. Ah well, my social skills suck anyway.
Sounds as if I need a loooonnnng vacation. One day. Somewhere in the mountains is where I’d go. I live around beach area, but I’m not really a sand/water person. Maybe I’m like a cat in the regard that I don’t do water (yes, I bathe). I’d rather wander about where there are trees ( I have planted over 16 in my yard-so yes, tree lover I am). Then again, perhaps a new lifestyle (a reboot, if you will) would be best. I’ve often told my husband that I would love to move to the mountains to make jellies (yup, I’m a jelly/jam maker-dandelion, cactus, fig, pear, & peach so far) and write/illustrate my books for a living. A reboot like that though, takes a lot of courage. Right now, debt and kids in school seem to also make that reboot a little fantastical. It’s frustrating that my life has me excelling and making a living doing the things I dislike. I think…no, I know I need to turn that around. I need to work at excelling and making a living doing things I actually like for a change. Hopefully, when the world stops again and the reboot happens, I may have the courage to do just that.